My latest Bible Study has me thinking...lots of thinking. My small group is doing the study, No other gods, and it has been very thought provoking. Our group met last night and boy did I have a million questions to throw out there. (I know deep down they love it when I come to Bible study with my questions highlighted) :~)
Did you know you can make fear a god? Well, actually the author wrote that fear is a symptom of a god. (lower case g as in not our GOD, but a god- we had some confusion about that last night) :~)
I have lived in fear for most of my life. In fact, I think I have struggled with security all of my life. I wish I could pin point a time when that lack of security actually started, but I can't. I even recall taking my little sister who was probably 2 at the time, and I was probably around 7-8 and wrapping her up in my blanket and saying, "sissy you are safe in here"--very odd. I had all kinds of love around me when I was growing up, so when did the insecurity set in?
I am one of those book readers that has a library of "self help" books all written by Christian authors. I mean seriously, it is ridiculous. I have a zillion books, although I have started in the last year giving them away. They feel more like "dead weight" than they do helpful at this point. However, the common theme is the same. Women in general have security issues. We want to feel safe. I think sometimes the desire to feel safe is uniquely blended with love. Somehow we began to equate love and security. Our group last night had the same issues. What's funny, is that I thought I was alone in that pit. Apparently, I have lots of company.
I think my insecurity has brought on decisions in my life that I have been blessed by and decisions that have taken me down the path of "consequences"--love that word. Anyway, it hit me last night that my problem with security is that as an adult I try to "create" security for my family.
What on earth do I mean by that?
Enter issue #2...perfectionist. This is a unique trait that I directly inherited from my Father's side of the family. One grandma's house we could blow up eggs in the microwave to "see what would happen" and the other grandma's house we took our shoes off at the door...get the picture? Guess which side was fun...and now guess which side I take after. (my poor children and husband) :~)
Anyway back to my flaws.
For me, the sense of security that I so desire to give to my kids has this image with it. Follow me here and put on your boots, it is about to get deep. This image of security has a mother who does everything..PTO,church ministries,community events,is the best daughter, is the best friend, is the best wife, is the best mother, is the best cook, creates the best home...etc....Why does that look safe to me? I don't know. But the idea here is that "I am in control." My intentions were so good. I wanted to create a safe environment. I think most Mom's feel this way. There were/are times I would love on my kids so much during the day that they went to bed wet from my kisses. I am a touchy feely kind of person. I would imagine I tell my kids I love them at least 10-15 times a day. I want them to KNOW that they are loved and safe! Richard and I probably talk on the phone an average of three times a day during our "working hours" :~) and we always end the conversation with "I love you." Richard says to me everyday.."have I told you how much I love you today?"
A person with that, should feel loved and safe. Right?
Over the last few months with last night being the cherry on the top, I realized truth. The truth is that my Lord Jesus Christ is my security. He is unchanging. He loves me for the person I am with my flaws, my yuck, my disappointments, my "issues", my imperfect way of life, He just loves me.
He isn't going to look at me and say, "you aren't good enough" He isn't going to say to me, "I am leaving because I just don't love you anymore". He isn't going to look at me and think "what a disappointment you are" cause He knows my heart and my intentions. He isn't going to say I will love you more if you accomplish....I am safe in His arms and that the picture of security is that He has my life, and I don't have to manipulate it, I don't have to worry about it, I just have to surrender to it.
(I surrender all begins to play in the background of this blog) :~)
What a relief! I can tell you that God isn't going to just "release me of my ways", I am going to have to walk through this one. I am going to have to "weather the storm" of life and learn this one with Him by my side. But the good news is that I understand His language and I see His footprints.
He has gently reminded me that my kids know that I adore them. He has gently reminded me that my husband is a good man and is not going to leave. He has not quite as gently--reminded me that He is in control and that He is God, not me. (Really??) :~)
Satan's plan to destroy me through my lack of security is over. When 1 Peter 5:8 says he roams around like a lion looking for something or SOMEONE to devour, I know that I am protected. I choose Jesus's security. I choose the cross. I choose the truth that fear and worry no longer control me, they no longer are welcome at my table.
I also know that there will be times when it feels like my security is GONE with the wind..and those are the times that I will be reminded (by some of you I know) that my security is not of this world, it is in my God.
Does anybody need a book on..let's see...on losing weight, saving money, of course books on safe and security, on mariage, on parenting....on how to study your bible (my personal fave, let me save you $12.95--do you want to know how to study your Bible????......open it up and read it) :~)
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