Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Can I get a do over??

Ok Ok, so I am a fresh new notebook kinda girl.. I know I know.

I need to start all over again. Bummer on my progress, but Yeah that I get a fresh new notebook each day- God willing!

I started the new Beth Moore study, "Esther", last night with a group of ladies that I have traveled with on my spiritual journey for years! Each time I attend one of her studies I just get super excited!

However, last night it was more of a conviction than anything. I just want to know Him more and more, yet my priorities always put Him way down on the list. WHY?? It is so frustrating. Paul and I are on the same page--Romans 7 For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. I think the Amen I heard was from God. Sorry Lord. Then in Romans 8 the idea is to walk in the spirit. Why oh Why can I not do that?

I have become this worrier. I think my Granny in heaven is the only one who thrilled that I am carrying on that particular family tradition. While I worry I quote 1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God so that He may exalt you in due time casting all your cares upon Him because He cares for you. As I recite this to myself and to my Lord-He lovingly tells me to go and grab a dictionary so that I can understand what HUMBLE means and CASTING ALL YOUR CARES, and the lovely HE CARES FOR YOU (me) :) What is my problem?

So back to Bible Study...I sat there with my brand new highlighter and the new sharpie pen (you need one, trust me) with my bottle of water-quite certain that as organized as I was that God would surely speak to me. I was ready to hear Him. I had everything ready. Good grief, I mean brand new pens! I sat intently to what Beth had to say. As I sat there I thought, good grief, I am not even worthy to be in my Lord's house with all my yuck. I was waiting for something inspiring, something that would change my life... I waited....and then my dear friend leans back and whispers in my ear.. "I am such a loser"...."did you say you are a loser or that I am a loser or that we are losers??" Well, at least I am not alone. :) Let me back up on this one. This friend of mine- well we have kindered spirits-I realize this may be a bad thing- but she has her new "study area" ready in her bedroom, bought her new pens, and brought a Starbucks--yep she was desiring a word from the Lord too. Only God could bring two women like that together....and I am sure He laughed while He did it too! Anyway..

My prayer is that I will learn to love me, learn that I should love being a woman, learn to love that all of my mistakes and shortcomings are an opportunity for my testimony to grow, for my witness to give Glory, learn that my mistakes in life can bring God glory, learn that the laundry piled up is proof that I have healthy active kids, learn that the dinner I prepare each night is for my family is such an honor,(I am struggling how to glorify God at Wal-Mart, but hey, I am hoping to learn that too) to learn that my God desires ALL of me, to learn that friends like I have are a treasure, to learn that God loves me despite my yuck, and to learn that worrying is a waste of time and energy, to learn that an attitude of gratitude is not such a long shot, and to learn that forgiven means.....you are forgiven.

Wow, sounds like I need another pen and several starbucks.....


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Delayed Reaction.....

Around 5:30 on New Year's Eve my little girl came in with tears in her eyes and a hand on her tummy...yep, not the sign of celebration of a new year that I was hoping for. "Mommy, I don't feel good."

So Kensey and I sent Richard and Cody on up to the Jermain's house to bring in the new year and she and I "celebrated" together.

Funny how God works though. As I was holding her hair back so that she could, um, "celebrate"....I thought about when I was little and I dreamed of having my own family, my own little girl, my own son who of course would be the oldest, so he could protect his little sister. I thought about how good God has been to me. He has blessed me even when my blessing should have passed me by. I thought about the man I married and how he loves his God, and loves his family. So blessed. I thought about how I always so desired to have the house in the country, and here I sit. I thought about how I wanted the white fence--ok, so that's my neighbors fence, but I get to enjoy it..whatever, small detail. :-)

As I stroked her back and shed a few tears with her, I felt blessed. Blessed that our family's only real health concern is a stomach virus. I just buried a friend who left behind her husband and two boys. I have another friend who watches her son like a hawk in fear of the cancer returning. Yah, it was another life lesson--to be thankful that my only concern was my baby having the stomach flu.

My mind wondered through a small movie film that only God could have put together. The memories played in my mind all evening long. I am so thankful for family and friends. I am so thankful that I have a God who rules with a firm hand and a heart full of grace.

I went to bed holding that eleven year old baby girl as tight as I did the night I brought her home for the first time. She'd had a very rough night, her body completely worn out, but as I cuddled up to her stroking her hair away from her face she whispered, "Mommy, I love you"....yep, Blessed.